It’s been almost three months since you died. Eighty-six days, to be exact. Somehow, the world is still turning. The sun rises and sets, the phone rings, the news cycle churns, bills arrive in the mail.
All of this is almost too surreal to bear. How can anything still exist without your eyes to see it, your face to laugh about it, your brain to connect the dots so brilliantly and hilariously? When something funny or interesting happens—when I see a cute dog at the park—I still have the urge to tell you. Get your opinion. Text you a picture of it.
I’ve started writing down “things to tell Matt” because I don’t know how else to process these pieces of information. I have a whole notepad filled with things that don’t make sense without you. Things like:
- Amy’s newest friend is named Avon Barksdale.
- Biebs made a few more boo-boos. Most notably, this one.
- I gave up that new client, the one you’d been helping with. I just couldn’t do it without you.
- The Walking Dead came back. It’s still stupid.
- Your brother has a new girlfriend. She’s great; you would approve.
- The New York Effing Times ran an article about you.
- Hundreds of people donated thousands of dollars in your memory.
- I started boxing, at Gleason’s. I know you wouldn’t be thrilled about me hanging out in a sweaty, dirty gym with a bunch of fighters. But you left me here all alone, and I had to start doing something just for me. (And I know part of you would’ve enjoyed seeing my badass side.)
- Spring is here. Buds, birds, the whole bit. I thought I’d be angry at the world for continuing to turn, and for bringing beauty during a time when I’m feeling so ugly. But, for the most part, I’m not.
- Aurora Borealis was supposed to be visible in NYC last weekend. Twitter went agog. I went to the roof and waited. It never came. Honestly, I was happy—because how could I have even comprehended something so awesome without you?
Plus the usual stuff: I love you with all my heart, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, I’m sorry if I ever hurt you, all that. But those are things you already know.